Discover the most hilarious and heartwarming quotes from Jay Pritchett, a beloved character from the hit TV show Modern Family. Get ready to laugh and reminisce with 48 of Jay’s most memorable lines!
Jay Pritchett Quotes
1- “If Shorty calls, tell him I’m dead. It’s a funny thing we do.” – Jay Pritchett
2- “You’re huge and you’re loud. It’s like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh.” – Jay Pritchett
3- “Grrr, I hate yard sales!” – Jay Pritchett
4- “He’s grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don’t think he scares easy.” – Jay Pritchett
5- “The hat, the suit or the cane? Actually, yes to all three.” – Jay Pritchett
6- “Right. As long as I have you, Maxine…” – Jay Pritchett
7- “The only difference between this and a home invasion is I get to shoot people at a home invasion.” – Jay Pritchett
8- “Oh, honey, no one leaves home and doesn’t come back.” – Jay Pritchett
9- “He really ought to run things through in his head first.” – Jay Pritchett
10- “Colombia isn’t one of your more formal countries. The guy in their money is sitting on a lounge chair.” – Jay Pritchett
11- “If you banged DeDe, then I do owe you an apology.” – Jay Pritchett
12- “Well, be careful. Most of these people are single.” – Jay Pritchett
13- “Dammit, she saw the Sock It To Me! If she remembers how it works its over.” – Jay Pritchett
14- “Look at him. He’s like a sherpa crossed with a mountain goat.” – Jay Pritchett
15- “That’s the second thing people say when something’s dead.” – Jay Pritchett
16- “You get fixed, you’re a man.” – Jay Pritchett
17- “That’s what people say when something’s dead.” – Jay Pritchett
18- “Your clothes barely fit before you were pregnant.” – Jay Pritchett
19- “She left the head out there to send a message to the other rats.” – Jay Pritchett
20- “I’m 65. If Gloria wants to be surprised, she should buy a box of Cracker Jacks.” – Jay Pritchett
21- “Gloria’s grandfathers and uncles were butchers, so she’s always had a certain comfort level when it comes to… killing.” – Jay Pritchett
22- “There’s no way you should stay upright, but it works.” – Jay Pritchett
23- “Regular Congress can’t even make a difference.” – Jay Pritchett
24- “Stephen Hawking could ride that bike.” – Jay Pritchett
25- “Kids can be so cruel. That doesn’t mean you’ll turn out that way.” – Jay Pritchett
26- “You know, when you get a massage you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.” – Jay Pritchett
27- “He’s not going to find out, because I covered my tracks” – Jay Pritchett
28- I’m no stranger to Police Academy. I’ve seen all seven. – Jay Pritchett
29- “Usually, I say no to drugs, but I thought, just this once… and I figured, if I was going to make an ass of myself, at least I wouldn’t remember it.” – Jay Pritchett
30- “Well, actually, nearly ten percent of their sales are men, but that’s not important.” – Jay Pritchett
21- “This salsa dancing, how hard is it to learn?” – Jay Pritchett
22- “You don’t need that siren. You can stop traffic just by getting out of the squad car.” – Jay Pritchett
23- “Rainbows. It’s just colors in the sky. Do we have to take a picture every time we see one?” – Jay Pritchett
24- “Welcome to my world. So, trouble in gay paradise, huh?” – Jay Pritchett
25- “You just discovered the one thing you can’t make sexy.” – Jay Pritchett
26- “Gloria and I are from different generations. And I won’t lie: it isn’t always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers.” – Jay Pritchett
27- “Does that mean he took his pants off? Because if he can, I can.” – Jay Pritchett
28- “Well, one’s a bottom-feeding mud dweller. The other’s a fish.” – Jay Pritchett
29- “Check it out, honey. It’s my butt.” – Jay Pritchett
30- “My money was on a sophomore with a moustache.” – Jay Pritchett
31- “It’s not The Far Side, the cow’s not driving anywhere.” – Jay Pritchett
32- “I’m just saying you were never a kid. Which is good, because I hate kids.” – Jay Pritchett
33- “This one time, Mitchell karate-chopped a glass plate window and had to get 17 stitches.” – Jay Pritchett
34- “I just wanted you to be more organized. You can be a little scatterbrained sometimes.” – Jay Pritchett
35- “I can’t believe I’m saying this again, after seven years of marriage, but please put the gun away.” – Jay Pritchett
36- “Any coupons for swim lessons? ‘Cause Stella needs some.” – Jay Pritchett
37- “We have to go to the damn game. And they’ll never believe any of our excuses ever again, even if they’re true.” – Jay Pritchett
38- “I’m just saying, by the third time we might think about moving the party inside.” – Jay Pritchett
39- “I have trouble picturing Clint Eastwood in that shirt.” – Jay Pritchett
40- “This kid is on the job for ten minutes and he wants me to wow him.” – Jay Pritchett
41- “This family needs a leader, and I can’t do it forever. You can handle it.” – Jay Pritchett
42- “A little early for tequila, isn’t it?” – Jay Pritchett
43- “Turns out she sent more men off to war than Lyndon Johnson.” – Jay Pritchett
44- “I’m just saying the man’s a judge, you’d think he’d wear a shirt.” – Jay Pritchett
45- “I’m gonna teach him the real version, not the Colombian version. We use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.” – Jay Pritchett
46- “Fulgencio Umberto. The initials for that are F.U. Pritchett, which is exactly what it feels like right now.” – Jay Pritchett
47- “The new maid keeps mixing up my underwear with Manny’s. Put on the first thing I grabbed. It was like a crotch tourniquet.” – Jay Pritchett
48- “Based on those stains, you are the Christmas sweater.” – Jay Pritchett
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