Looking for the best quotes from the TV show “New Girl“? Look no further! Discover the top 70 quotes from this beloved series that will make you laugh, cry, and everything in between. From Jess’s quirky one-liners to Schmidt’s hilarious banter, these quotes are sure to bring back all the memorable moments from “New Girl.” Get ready to relive the laughs and feel the nostalgia with this collection of the best quotes from the show.
New Girl Quotes
Jess: “I’m only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea. “
Cece: “I got your text. When you’re going through a “Taylor Swift-like range of emotions,” I should come over, right?”
Jess: “I’m probably fine. But I also might be dead. “
Schmidt: “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.”
Nick: “Lying makes me sweat. That’s why I can’t play poker or talk to pregnant women. “
Jess:”Nick doesn’t have a life plan- he doesn’t even have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, ‘put on pants'”
Jess: “Everything you say sounds really creepy when you’re not wearing pants. “
Jess: “I want passion. Even if it’s harder and hurts more.”
Schmidt: “If pot were a piano, Nick would be a 9-year-old Chinese girl.”
Winston: “Eye of the Tiger” is the greatest song ever written. It’s so cool, it ended the Cold War!
Winston: “I’m the best with pranks. They call me Prank Sinatra! “
Jess: “Pink wine makes me slutty.”
Schmidt: “Damp towel. Damp! Its like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever!”
Schmidt: “I had figure skating lessons till I was 13, then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy. “
Jess: “I feel like a fat man is sitting on my uterus!”
Jess: “Nick isn’t even a man. He’s some kind of man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day I had to tell him not to pull a dog’s tail.”
Nick: “You can’t turn the sink on when someone’s in the shower, this isn’t some fancy hotel!”
Schmidt: “If you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop. “
Schmidt: “Well Nick I’m out of tears, plumb out. Now all that’s left is just yellowish goo, that’s right Nick, goo”
Coach: “If anything’s cute about Winston, it’s his yawn.”
Jess: “If any of you cross me, I’m gonna kick the testicles clean off your body, clean off. You’ll look like Ken dolls down there!”
Winston: “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost!”
Schmidt: “I may not actually be Abraham Lincoln, but I witnessed the emancipation of one black guy tonight… from a terrible relationship.”
Nick: “My funeral is my time to shine! “
Nick: “I want to kill you…because I respect you. I think I understanding hunting!”
Nick : “I am 30 years old and I’ve peed in every pool I’ve been into. Every single one. “
Winston: “I’m pretty sure they call her ‘The Fish’ because she’s tough, but fair, like a lot of fish I’ve met.”
Jess: ” You’re making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.”
Nick: “I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door. “
Nick Miller: “I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality. “
Schmidt: “Winston, if you think those shoes are brown, what color do you think you are?”
Nick: “I don’t dance! I’m from that town in “Footloose.” “
Nick Miller: “I don’t deal with exes they’re a part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon! “
Schmidt: “I’m like a Hebrew cheetah.”
Winston : “Are we eating or are we not eating?”
Nick: “20 year-old girls! They’re awesome! They don’t know what “Saved by the Bell” is and they’ve never felt pain!”
Nick: “You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie.”
Schmidt: “I’m like a sexual snowflake, each night with me is a unique experience.”
Nick: “You’re a big girl, you can watch Walking Dead alone. “
Schmidt: “Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I’ve got a twist ending for you: shut up.”
Winston : “If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?”
Nick: “I’m like a mail man but instead of mail, it’s hot sex that I deliver.”
Jess: “I might as well call you “Bridge to Terabithia” because you make children cry! “
Coach: “Keep running or I will murder your family!”
Schmidt: “Sick people wanted me, dying people wanted to be me–I was the total candy stripping package!”
Jess :”I’m totaling my assets. It’s really bleak.”
Coach: “I wanna choke you until your eyes literally pop out of your head.”
Jess: “I’m always the one who loves more. That’s my thing”
Nick: “Life sucks. Then it gets better. Then it sucks again. “
Coach: “Can’t spell sex without the ‘ex.'”
Schmidt: “Schmidt happens.”
Cece : “I’m using my bride card!”
Jess: “Nick doesn’t have a life plan- he doesn’t even have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, ‘put on pants'”
Nick: “I bought 10,000 minutes in 1999 and I’m still using them. “
Nick: “If you were a hat, you’d be a top hat. But like a really big Monopoly one. And I say that with deepest compliments.”
