Discover a treasure trove of laughter with ‘Laugh Out Loud: 100 Hilarious Seinfeld Quotes’. Immerse yourself in the humor and wit of Seinfeld with this collection of 100 side-splitting quotes. From iconic one-liners to memorable moments, this compilation is a must-have for every Seinfeld fan
Seinfeld Quotes
‘“Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?” — George’
‘“You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen… So who is having sex with the rooster?” — Frank Costanza‘
‘“Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?” — Jerry’
‘“You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. ‘The Beach’. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.” — Kramer’
‘“Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel.” — Newman’
‘“Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I’m having it.” — Morty Seinfeld’
‘“Hey, how come people don’t have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can’t it be a meal, you know? I don’t understand stuff like that.” — Puddy’
‘“What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses — like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?” — Jerry’
‘“I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?” — George’
‘“I can’t stand kids. Adults think it’s so wonderful how honest kids are. I don’t need that kind of honesty. I’ll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.” — George’
‘“Just remember, when you control the mail, you control… information.” — Newman’
‘“You can’t believe this woman. She’s one of those low-talkers. You can’t hear a word she’s saying! You’re always going ‘excuse me?’, ‘what was that?’” — Jerry’,
‘“Moles — freckles’ ugly cousin.” — Kramer’
‘“I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.” — George’
‘“Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?” — Elaine’
‘“That’s the bra I gave her, she’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society.” — Elaine’
‘“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.” — Jerry’
Seinfeld Quotes About Life
‘“Hey! So what’s the deal with brunch? I mean that if it’s a combination of breakfast and lunch, how comes there’s no ‘lupper’ or no ‘linner’?” — Jeannie’
‘“Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.” — George’
‘“But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.” — Frank Costanza’
‘“You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again. That’s like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip — just take one dip and end it.” — Timmy’
‘“You’re through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!” — Elaine’,
‘“Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.” — Jerry’
‘“I’m going to save up every rupee. Someday I will get back to America, and when I do, I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very, very bad man.” — Babu Bhatt’
‘“Boxers! How do you wear these things!! They’re baggin’ up, they’re rising in! And there’s nothing holding me in place! I’m flippin’! I’m floppin’!” — Kramer’
‘“What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It’s not like I’m running a marathon, I’m just lying there.” — Jerry’
‘“I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander through the desert for 40 years with that dry air. You telling me you’re not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit?” — George’
‘“I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.” — Kramer’
‘“I can’t die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn’t die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?” — George’
‘“Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.” — Jerry’
‘“Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?” — Jerry’
‘“It’s the best part. It’s crunchy, it’s explosive, it’s where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I’ll tell you. That’s a million-dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.” — Elaine’
‘The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli…” — George’,
‘“I don’t even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It’s much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans, and garbage men. You’re never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.” — Jerry’
‘“Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure… my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.” — Kramer’
Seinfeld Quotes for Instagram
‘“A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity. Completely turn the tables. It’s absolutely brilliant.” — George’
‘“He stopped short? That’s my move. I’m gonna kill him!” — Frank Costanza’,
‘“I just couldn’t decide if he was really sponge-worthy.” — Elaine’
‘“Why does everything have to be ‘us’? Is there no ‘me’ left? Why can’t there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?” — George’
‘“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” — Jerry’
‘“I think if one’s going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note — it’s common courtesy. I don’t know, that’s just the way I was brought up.” — George’
‘“I don’t think George has ever thought he’s better than anybody.” — Elaine’
‘“Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.” — Kramer’
‘“Do you think it’s effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?” — Jerry’
‘“How long it takes to find a bra? What’s going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I’m back in two seconds… you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.” — Frank Costanza’
‘“I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off.” — George’
‘“You know the message you’re sending out to the world with sweatpants? You’re telling the world: ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’” — Jerry’
‘“Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.” — George’
‘“People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.” — Jerry’
Seinfeld Quotes About Love
‘“I’ve never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting.” — George’,
‘“You ever dream in 3D? It’s like the bogeyman is coming RIGHT AT YOU.” — Kramer’
‘Salad! What was I thinking? Women don’t respect salad eaters.” — Jerry’
‘“I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.” — Elaine’
‘“You know, I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.” — George’
‘“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” — Jerry’
‘“George, we’ve had it with you. Understand? We love you like a son, but even parents have limits.” — Frank Costanza’
‘“Human, it’s human to be moved by a fragrance.” — Kramer‘
‘“Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?” — George’
‘“People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals.” — Jerry’
‘“Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they’re gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?” — George’
‘“She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster doofus. Am I a hipster doofus?” — Kramer’
‘“What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to 10. So don’t give me hygiene.” — Elaine’
‘“I’d rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn’t even know you’re not good enough for her.” — George’
‘“I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?” — Jerry’
‘“Hey George, what do you like better? The ‘bro’ or the ‘mansiere’?” — Frank Costanza’
‘“I think if one’s going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note — it’s common courtesy. I don’t know, that’s just the way I was brought up.” — George’
‘“A bra is for ladies. I’m talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.” — Kramer’
‘“If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn’t have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don’t rob somebody if you know their name!” — Kramer’
‘“They don’t have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don’t know what’s going on with the papayas!” — Kramer’
‘“You’re a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. ‘Hey, denty!’ Next thing you know, you’re saying they should have their own schools.” — Kramer’
‘“It’s a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese… you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air… you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds good, huh?” — Kramer’
‘“Is it possible that I’m not as attractive as I think I am?” — Elaine’
‘“If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn’t say ‘God bless you.’ You should say, ‘You’re so good looking!’ — Jerry’
‘“It’s not fair people are seated first-come, first-served. It should be based on who’s hungriest.” — Elaine’
‘“There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.” — Jerry’
‘“If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.” — Jerry’
‘“No one is touching my feet. Between you and me, Elaine, I think I’ve got a foot odor problem.” — Frank Costanza’
‘“I’m disturbed, I’m depressed, I’m inadequate, I’ve got it all!” — George’
‘“Say you got a big job interview, and you’re a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigan’s and you’ll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it’s odorless, why, it will be our little secret.” — Kramer’
‘“The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour martinizing.” — Kramer’
‘All of a sudden it hit me, I realized what the problem is: I can’t be with someone like me. I hate myself! If anything, I need to get the exact opposite of me. It’s too much. It’s too much, I can’t take it. I can’t take it.” — Jerry’
‘“What’s the deal with lampshades? I mean, if it’s a lamp, why do you want shade?” — Jerry’
‘“Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?” — Jerry’
‘“Well, you know what they say, you don’t sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.” — Kramer’
‘“I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.” — Elaine’
‘“Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!” — Kramer’
‘“What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.” — Jerry’
‘“I have been performing feats of strength all morning.” — Frank Costanza’
‘“I’m speechless. I have no speech.” — George Costanza’
‘“I can’t be with someone who doesn’t break up nicely. It’s an important part of the relationship.” — Elaine’
‘“I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.” — George’
‘“Food and sex. Those are my two passions.” — George’
‘“You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I’m on to something.” — Jerry’
‘“Don’t insult me, my friend. Remember who you’re talking to. No one’s a bigger idiot than me.” — George’
‘“You’re a nice guy, but I actually only have three friends. I can’t really handle anymore.” — Jerry’
‘“Oh, I gotta get on that internet, I’m late on everything!” — Jerry’
‘“How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you ask his ex-girlfriend out?” — Jerry’
‘“See, here, you’re just another apple, but in Japan, you’re an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there.” — Kramer’
