“He said my name is Columbus. I just said good luck.”
I decided to flip a coin
Like either heads or tails
Would let me know, if I should go
Back to ship or back to jail
So I, hocked my sailor suit
And I got a coin to flip
It came up tails, it rhymed with sails
So I made it back to the ship
It’s President Kennedy calling me up He said, “My friend, Bob What do we need to make the country grow?” I said, “My friend, John; Brigitte Bardot Anita Ekberg Sophia Loren” Country’ll grow
They asked me for some collateral
And I pulled down my pants
“Well, I run right down and bought a ticket To this thing called the Bear Mountain Picnic Little did I realize, I was in for a pleasant, funny surprise It had nothin’ to do with picnics Didn’t come close to a mountain, I hate bears”
They say I shot a man named Gray
And took his wife to Italy
She inherited a million bucks
And when she died it came to me
I can’t help it if I’m lucky
It ain’t that I’m questioning you
To take part in any kinda quiz
It’s just that I haven’t got no watch
An’ you keep asking me what time it is
“I shook his hand and said Goodbye
Ran out to the street
When a bowling ball came down the road
And knocked me off my feet
A pay phone was ringing
And it just about blew my mind
When I picked it up and said Hello
His foot came through the line”
If you wanna see the sunrise, honey I know where / We’ll go out and see it sometime, we’ll both just sit there and stare!
“I drew a few lines, and showed it for her to see. She threw it back, saying ” That don’t look a thing like me.” I said, “Oh, kind miss, it most certainly does.” She said, “You must be joking.” I said, “I wish I was.”
I heard some footsteps by the front porch door
So I grabbed my shotgun from the floor
I snuck around the house with a huff and hiss and
“Hands up, you Communist” it was a mail man
He punched me out
“My arms and legs were broken My feet was splintered, my head was cracked I couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk, smell, feel Couldn’t see, I didn’t know where I was I was bald, quite lucky to be alive though”
“My arms and legs were broken…
My feet was splintered, my head was cracked…
I couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk, smell, feel…
Couldn’t see, I didn’t know where I was…
I was bald…
Quite lucky to be alive, though.”
Well, I see you got a new boyfriend
You know, I never seen him before
Well, I saw him
Makin’ love to you
You forgot to close the garage door
“Well, anybody can be just like me, obviously
But then, now again, not too many can be like you, fortunately”
Othello told Desemonda “I’m cold cover me with a blanket. By the way, what happened to that poisoned wine?”
She said, “I gave it to ya—ya drank it.”
Well, that big dumb blonde
With her wheel in the gorge
And Turtle, that friend of theirs
With his checks all forged
And his cheeks in a chunk
With his cheese in the cash
They’re all gonna be there
At that million dollar bash
“I’ll be back in a minute, you can get it together by then”
(harmonica)
“What was it you wanted? You can tell me, I’m back”
Now the rainman gave me two cures
Then he said, “Jump right in”
The one was Texas medicine
The other was just railroad gin
And like a fool I mixed them
And it strangled up my mind
And now people just get uglier
And I have no sense of time
