Mark Twain, one of America’s most beloved and influential authors, was renowned for his wit and wisdom. His works have left an indelible mark on literature, and his words continue to inspire and entertain readers to this day. “Wit and Wisdom: Mark Twain’s Top 200 Quotes” is a collection that showcases the brilliance of Twain’s mind. From his keen observations on life and human nature to his razor-sharp humor, each quote encapsulates his unique perspective. Whether it’s a humorous quip or a profound insight, Twain’s words have the power to make us think, laugh, and reflect on the complexities of the world we live in. This collection is a testament to the enduring legacy of Mark Twain and his enduring impact on literature and the human experience.
Mark Twain Quotes
‘“The soul and substance of what customarily ranks as patriotism is moral cowardice – and always has been.”’
‘“I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately.”’
‘“We often feel sad in the presence of music without words; and often more than that in the presence of music without music.”’
‘“Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.”’
‘“The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”’
‘“High and fine literature is wine, and mine is only water; but everybody likes water.”’
‘“O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain;.”’
‘“Talent without work is useless, thank God.”’
‘“When in doubt tell the truth.”’
‘“A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs.”’
‘“When I want to read something nice, I sit down and write it myself.”’
‘ “Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.”’
‘“If horses knew their strength we should not ride anymore.”’
‘“Use the right word, not its second cousin.”’
‘“Homely truth is unpalatable.”’
‘“Consider the average intelligence of the common man, then realize 50% are even stupider.”’
‘“Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”’
‘“Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least.”’
‘“Every man is a moon; he has a side no one sees.”’
‘“The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.”’
‘“Better a broken promise than none at all.”’
‘“On with the dance, let the joy be unconfined.”’
‘“When one has tasted watermelons, one knows what angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented.”’
‘To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.”’
‘ “Life is but a dream, a grotesque and foolish dream.”’
‘“All emotion is involuntary when genuine.”’
‘“Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.”’
‘“Never be haughty to the humble, never be humble to the haughty.”’
‘“Do your duty today and repent tomorrow.”’
‘“Human nature is the same everywhere; it deifies success, it has nothing but scorn for defeat.”’
‘“If God had meant for us to be naked, we’d have been born that way.”’
‘“A journalist is a reporter out of a job.”’
‘“The writing begins when you’ve finished. Only then do you know what you’re trying to say.”’
‘“Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.”’
‘“Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness.”’
‘“If work were so pleasant, the rich would keep it for themselves.”’
‘“A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes.”’
‘“The true charm of pedestrians does not lie in the walking, or in the scenery, but in the talking.”’
‘“The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which.”’
‘“The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man’s.”’
‘“One compliment can keep me going for a whole month.”’
‘“When the world is made to be idiot-proof, the world will become overpopulated with idiots.”’
‘“Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.”’
‘“Architects cannot teach nature anything.”’
‘“Independence-is loyalty to one’s best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes.”’
‘“The only certainties in life are death and taxes.”’
‘“Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there.”’
‘“Make your vocation your vacation. That is the secret to success.”’
‘“While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.”’
‘“When everyone is looking for gold, it’s a good time to be in the pick and shovel business.”’
‘“I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.”’
‘“There is nothing to be learned from the second kick of a mule.”’
‘“Some people give their problems swimming lessons instead of drowning them.”’
‘“Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.”’
‘“No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.”’
‘“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”’
‘“How far we travel in life matters far less than those we meet along the way.”’
‘“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.”’
‘“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.”’
‘“Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.”’
‘“If you want love and abundance in your life, give it away.”’
‘“We are all ignorant; just about different things.”’
‘“It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.”’
‘“There is no such thing as a new idea. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope.”’
‘“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”’
‘“Warm summer sun, shine kindly here. Warm southern wind, blow softly here. Green sod above, lie light, lie light. Good night, dear Heart, Good night, good night.”’
‘“You meet people who forget you. You forget people you meet. But sometimes you meet those people you can’t forget. Those are your ’friends.”’
‘“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”’
‘“The inability to forget is far more devastating than the inability to remember.”’
‘“You can’t reason someone out of something that they weren’t reasoned into in the first place.”’
‘“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”’
‘ “To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.”’
‘“Never let formal education get in the way of your learning.”’
‘“There is no security in life, only opportunity.”’
‘“I’m in favor of progress; it’s change I don’t like.”’
‘ “Great things can happen when you don’t care who gets the credit.”’
‘“One must travel, to learn.”’
‘“Good exercise for the heart: reach out and help your neighbor.”’
‘“A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.”’
‘“Some of the worst things in my life never even happened.”’
‘“To stand still is to fall behind.”’
‘“Go to bed early, get up early-this is wise.”’
‘“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.”’
‘“It’s better to be an optimist who is sometimes wrong than a pessimist who is always right.”’
‘“If I had more time, I would have written less.”’
‘“An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it.”’
‘“Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool.”’
‘“We regret the things we don’t do more than the things we do.”’
‘“Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.”’
‘“A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.”’
‘“If you want to change the future, you must change what you’re doing in the present.”’
‘“Figures don’t lie, but liars figure.”’
‘“The secret of making progress is to get started.”’
‘“Never miss an opportunity to shut up.”’
‘“Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.”’
‘“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.”’
‘“Good judgement is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgement.”’
‘“Data is like garbage. You’d better know what you are going to do with it before you collect it.”’
‘“Synergy – the bonus that is achieved when things work together harmoniously.”’
‘“Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.”’
‘“Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.”’
‘“Life is short, break the rules.”’
‘“Human beings can be awful cruel to one another.”’
‘“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”’
‘“Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life.”’
‘“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”’
‘“Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.”’
‘“My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water.”’
‘“It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.”’
‘“Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are pliable.”’
‘“No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot.”’
‘“The truth hurts, but silence kills.”’
‘ “There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.”’
‘“Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them.”’
‘“Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”’
‘“A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn’t.”’
‘“Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts or happenings. It consist mainly of the storm of thoughts that is forever flowing through one’s head.”’
‘“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.”’
‘“Do not complain about growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.”’
‘“When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.”’
‘“There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.”’
‘“Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.”’
‘“Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”’
‘“Don’t dream your life, but live your dream.”’
‘“A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.”’
‘“The lack of money is the root of all evil.”’
‘“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”’
‘“Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”’
‘“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”’
‘“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.”’
‘“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”’
‘“Just because you’re taught that something’s right and everyone believes it’s right, it don’t make it right.”’
‘“Success is a journey, not a destination. It requires constant effort, vigilance and reevaluation.”’
‘“Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions.”’
‘“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”’
‘“History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”’
‘“In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.”’
‘“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”’
‘“But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?”’
‘“It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt.”’
‘“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”’
‘“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”’
‘“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”’
‘“Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”’
‘“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one.”’
‘“Write without pay until somebody offers to pay.”’
‘“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”’
‘God created war so that Americans would learn geography.”’
‘“Loyalty to country always. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.”’
‘“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”’
‘“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.”’
‘“Explore. Dream. Discover.”’
‘“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”’
‘“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.”’
‘“Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.”’
‘“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”’
‘“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”’
‘“Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.”’
‘“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”’
‘“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”’
‘ “Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection.”’
‘“Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.”’
‘“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”’
‘“To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.”’
‘“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”’
‘“Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.”’
‘“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”’
‘“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.”’
‘“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”’
‘“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”’
‘“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”’
‘“Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.”’
‘“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”’
‘“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”’
‘“The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.”’
‘“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”’
‘“The secret to getting ahead is getting started.”’
‘“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”’
