Looking for a good laugh? Check out our compilation of the best 46 Peter Griffin quotes from the hit TV show, Family Guy. From his hilarious one-liners to his iconic catchphrases, Peter Griffin never fails to entertain. Get ready to relive some of the funniest moments from the show with this collection of quotes. Whether you’re a die-hard Family Guy fan or just in need of a good chuckle, these quotes are sure to leave you laughing out loud.
Family Guy peter griffin quotes
“Face it, I’m a bad husband, a lousy father, and a snappy dresser” – Peter Griffin
“I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record” – Peter Griffin
“I saw Baywatch. That thing was freakin’ rad.” – Peter Griffin
“That was then and this is now. And this is a chair. And that’s a lamp. And you have boobies. And I’m gonna find that trophy!” – Peter Griffin
“Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you’re talkin’ to ’em” – Peter Griffin
“Lois, you’ve left me no choice but to beat you the only way I know how. By killing you!…in the race for schoolboard president” – Peter Griffin
“I’ll tell you Lois, High school is a lot more fun this time around. And it’s a lot safer now that all the kids have guns” – Peter Griffin
“Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.” – Peter Griffin
“What do you expect me to do with all these great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that’s what soap is for Lois.” – Peter Griffin
“Gays don’t vomit. They’re a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France” – Peter Griffin
“Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery” – Peter Griffin
“You’re turning out to be a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington.” – Peter Griffin
“Don’t worry, I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about” – Peter Griffin
“I’m planning on dying tonight. What are your plans?” – Peter Griffin
“Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.” – Peter Griffin
“All right, red light. Time to text and shave and whittle and floss.” – Peter Griffin
“I think the lesson here is, it doesn’t really matter where you’re from, as long as we’re all the same religion” – Peter Griffin
“You know what’s funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, and I learned something today” – Peter Griffin
“I cry like Snoopy!” – Peter Griffin
“C’mon, let’s go drink ’til we can’t feel feelings anymore” – Peter Griffin
“Well, we promised Lois we’d use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn’t hurt” – Peter Griffin
“Wow, you’re cooler than a York peppermint patty!” – Peter Griffin
“If I drive, I’ll have to have a couple of drinks first because I am very self-conscious about my driving.” – Peter Griffin
“It’s just like having sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want…but it’s still gonna happen” – Peter Griffin
“Lois, men aren’t fat. Only fat women are fat” – Peter Griffin
“I have a confession to make, I did not like The Godfather.” – Peter Griffin
“All I know is that in Ireland there is a fat bastard who looks just like me.” – Peter Griffin
“I really hope there’s a hungry horse back there.” – Peter Griffin
“I don’t want to have to take off my clothes because I’m self-conscious about my Congressman Barney Frank body.” – Peter Griffin
“The fact that your last name is Griffin is a pleasantry extended to you by the family, not a legality.” – Peter Griffin
“Heh-heh. Look, the Giant Chicken is Boba Fett!” – Peter Griffin
“in your imagination, I’ve got long eyelashes.” – Peter Griffin
“You’re not going to get away with this, Mr. Google Search!” – Peter Griffin
“Damn right I do! It’s because I make all the money! I’m the big…”Mamu” around here!” – Peter Griffin
“I always wanted a brother or a sister. Instead, I got a broster.” – Peter Griffin
“Oh this looks fantastic. I can’t wait to poop this out.” – Peter Griffin
“I’m not afraid to stand up to friends. Just ask Spartacus!” – Peter Griffin
“I was 18 and my body was firm from push-ups and sit-ups…” – Peter Griffin
“If God wanted me to not sleep with my wife, he’d make me John Travolta!” – Peter Griffin
“Secrets are what keep a marriage fresh” – Peter Griffin
“I always wanted to go to Canada, but then South Park went so we couldn’t go.” – Peter Griffin
“We’re supposed to stick together! Like goatee guys at a barbecue!” – Peter Griffin
“I don’t speak for Jesus, I just get him trim” – Peter Griffin
“Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.” – Peter Griffin
“Lois, when I’m through with them, our kids will be so smart, they’ll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.” – Peter Griffin
“Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you – very homosexually.” – Peter Griffin
“What if God is a serial killer? He lowers the average lifespan of humans to 65.” – Peter Griffin
