Best 65 Seinfeld Quotes Ever

George Costanza: “I’ve driven women to lesbianism before, but never a mental institution”

Jerry Seinfeld: “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”

Jerry Seinfeld:  People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals.

George Costanza: “You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect”

Jerry Seinfeld: “What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses—like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?”  

Puddy : “Hey, how come people don’t have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can’t it be a meal, you know? I don’t understand stuff like that.”  

 Jerry : “You know the message you’re sending out to the world with sweatpants? You’re telling the world: ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’” 

 George Costanza:  “I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?”  

George Costanza: “I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off.”

Kramer : “She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster doofus. Am I a hipster doofus?”  

Cosmo Kramer :  I got news for you: Handicapped people, they don’t even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That’s why those spaces are always empty.

Elaine Benes :  I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.

The Mohel : One more peep out of you and I’ll slice you up like a smoked sturgeon.

Jerry Seinfeld: That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Jerry Seinfeld:  Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

George Costanza:  I’ve never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting.

Cosmo Kramer : You ever dream in 3-D? It’s like the bogeyman is coming RIGHT AT YOU.

George Costanza: I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.

Jerry Seinfeld:  I don’t get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren’t we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way’s Israel, I don’t fly off the handle.

George Costanza: “I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think ‘That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.'”

Cosmo Kramer : Because I’m like ice, buddy. When I don’t like you, you’ve got problems.

Jerry Seinfeld: “Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.”

Cosmo Kramer : You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.

Elaine Benes  : It seems that a psychotic mechanic has absconded with my friend’s car.

Jerry Seinfeld: Salad! What was I thinking? Women don’t respect salad eaters.

Tony : I really don’t remember, I was kinda out of it for the first couple of days, I was on a lot of medications, it was kinda like a haze, it’s pretty cool.

Kramer : “They don’t have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don’t know what’s going on with the papayas!” 

Morty Seinfeld : Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I’m having it.

George Costanza: “If you can’t say something bad about a relationship you shouldn’t say anything at all.”

George Costanza:  “I can’t die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn’t die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?”  

Cosmo Kramer : Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that—they’re baggin’ up, they’re rising in! And there’s nothing holding me in place! I’m flippin’! I’m floppin’!

Jerry Seinfeld: “People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals.”  

Newman : “Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel…”  

George Costanza: You’re luscious. You’re ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I’m terribly sorry.

 Babu Bhatt : I’m going to save up every rupee. Someday I will get back to America, and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very, very bad man.

George Costanza:  Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub.

George Costanza: “Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they’re gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?”  

George Costanza: “The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli…”

Older Priest:  Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be possessed by you.

George Costanza: Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up.

Cosmo Kramer: Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.

George Costanza: “When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.”

Jerry Seinfeld:  The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you’re with your friends….Come on, it’s a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback. 

George Costanza: “I think if one’s going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note—it’s common courtesy. I don’t know, that’s just the way I was brought up.”  

George Costanza: : Articulate—me? I’ve never articulated anything, I’m completely incoherent.

Kramer : “You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. ‘The Beach’. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.”  

Jerry Seinfeld:  What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It’s not like I’m running a marathon, I’m just lying there.

Jerry Seinfeld: “Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.”

George Costanza: She thinks I’m a nice guy. Women always think I’m nice, but women don’t like nice….Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?

Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure…my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.

George Costanza: “I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.”

George Costanza: “Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.”

George Costanza: Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don’t move back to lunch. It’s like being demoted.

George Costanza:  “Why does everything have to be ‘us’? Is there no ‘me’ left? Why can’t there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?”  

 George Steinbrenner  : Just let me ask you something. Is it ‘FebRUary’ or ‘FebUary’? Because I prefer ‘FebUary,’ and what is this ‘ru’?

 Jerry Seinfeld: Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?

Jerry Seinfeld:  Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.

George Costanza:  Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee…never went ‘Ha!’

George Costanza: “I’ve never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting.”  
 

Jerry Seinfeld: “You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’”

Phone Guy: Look, I work for the phone company. I’ve had a lot of experience with semantics, so don’t try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.

George Costanza: “I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.”

George Costanza: “Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.”

Cosmo Kramer : A bra is for ladies. I’m talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.

 Elaine Benes :  It’s the best part. It’s crunchy, it’s explosive, it’s where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I’ll tell you. That’s a million-dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

 

 

 

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