Funny Quotes from The Office: “The Office” is an American mockumentary sitcom that depicts the everyday work lives of office employees working at the Scranton, Pennsylvania, branch of the fictional Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. It aired on NBC from March 24, 2005, to May 16, 2013, spanning nine seasons and a total of 201 episodes.
The Office, the U.S. adaptation of the UK series, has become a treasure trove of hilarious and memorable quotes. Set in the mundane environment of the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company, the show’s humor often arises from everyday office interactions and absurd situations. Characters like the bumbling but well-meaning regional manager Michael Scott, the deadpan and mischievous Jim Halpert, or the eccentric and cat-loving Angela Martin have provided fans with countless lines that continue to be quoted and memed. Whether it’s Michael’s oblivious self-confidence in declaring, “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious,” or Dwight’s bizarre wisdom in saying, “Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica,” the show’s clever writing has cemented its place in pop culture, making it a go-to reference for laughs and workplace camaraderie.
The Office Quotes
1- “I think it’s great that the company’s making a commercial, because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens or… And frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.” — Jim Halpert
2- “When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. Only one to go.” — Creed Bratton
3- “You’re the people’s princess! Diana was nothing!” — Meredith
4- “Who’s the one who didn’t bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure, I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah, I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn’t bring the lice in. That was all Pam.” — Meredith
5- “You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party.” – Michael Scott
6- “Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.” — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
7- “As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it’s nice to be represented on one.” — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
8- “If I can’t scuba, then what’s this all been about? What am I working toward?” — Creed Bratton
9- “I want you to rub butter on my foot… Pam, please? I have Country Crock.” — Michael Scott
10- “The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters.” — Kevin Malone
11- “I am a black belt in gift wrapping.” — Jim Halpert
12- “In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me, and I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.” – Dwight Schrute
13- “If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I’d ever been here. And I’d forget, too.” — Ryan Howard
14- “How is it possible that in five years, I’ve had two engagements and only one chair?” — Pam Beesley
15- “It is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I’d like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try.” — Jim Halpert
16-“The man is wearing sandals. I don’t need to see Oscar’s toes at work. Gross! I mean, he looks like he just got off the boat.” — Angela Martin
17- “I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.” – Creed Bratton
18- “I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station.” — Creed Bratton
19- “Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug, and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice?” — Jim Halpert
20- “Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy.” – Dwight Schrute
21- “I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.” — Dwight Schrute
22- “There’s something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional.” — Robert California
23- “I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors.” — Dwight Schrute
24- “Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn.” — Andy Bernard
25- “Mind if I steal my wife?” — Bob Vance
26- “It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete.” — Pete Miller
27- “Ain’t no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don’t stop!” — Michael Scott
28- “So you’ve come to the master for guidance? Is this what you’re saying, grasshopper?” — Michael Scott
29-“Tell ya one thing, I’m not gonna be a good mom tonight.” — Meredith
30- “Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Scheider.” — Creed Bratton
31- “I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs.” — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
32- “I don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there.” — Kelly Kapoor
33- “You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.” — Pam Beesley
34- “If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.” — Dwight Schrute
35- “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for… At a dinner party.” — Pam Beesley
36- “I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30.” – Michael Scott
37- “An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.” — Michael Scott
38- “I wanna do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not enough to make a big deal out of it, but I know everyone saw it. One stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.” – Creed Bratton
39- “Who’s the one who didn’t bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn’t bring the lice in. That was all Pam.” — Meredith
40- “Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.” — Dwight Schrute
41- “Look, it doesn’t take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn’t have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?” – Oscar Martinez
42- “The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is D.M.I. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, Morons, and Idiots. Because that’s what you’d have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.” — Oscar Martinez
43- “From time to time I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future.” — Jim Halpert
44- “Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.” — Dwight Schrute
45- “I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.” — Kelly Kapoor
46- “One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.” — Jim Halpert
47- “I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.” — Andy Bernard
48- “There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?” — Pam Beesly
49- “I want to be wined and dined and sixty-nined.” — Kevin Malone
50- “Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.” – Stanley Hudson
51- “I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket.” — Kevin Malone
52- “My last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full Taco Bell and, I don’t know, I couldn’t keep up.” — Erin Hannon
53- “Who is Justice Beaver?” — Dwight Schrute
54- “We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.” — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
55- “Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.” — Dwight Schrute
56- “Power points are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.” — Dwight Schrute
57- “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott
58- “I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh.” — Angela Martin
59- “Everything I have I owe to this job… This stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.” — Jim Halpert
60- “I understand nothing.” — Michael Scott
61- “I can’t use Phyllis! Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar, I’ll be launched into space! God, you’re so insensitive.” — Dwight Schrute
62- “In high school, I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out, took it anyway got a twelve twenty. Always regretted it… I feel lachrymose.” — Andy Bernard
63- “I kinda know what it’s like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.” — Kevin Malone
64- “Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.” — Michael Scott
65- “I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup, I have a Swiss passport.” — Creed Bratton
66- “I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.” — Ryan Howard
67- “When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.” — Pam Beesley
68- “I don’t want to be married in a tent like a hobo.” — Angela Martin
69- “Today, smoking is going to save lives.” — Dwight Schrute
70- “Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.” — Michael Scott
71- “It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.” — Dwight Schrute
72- “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.” — Dwight Schrute
73- “Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?” — Robert California
74- “For my new year’s resolution, I gave up drinking… During the week.” — Meredith Palmer
75- “You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.” — Creed Bratton
76- “Let’s put a smile on that face.” — Creed Bratton
77- “Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It’s so powerful, even a lot of men can’t resist a man singing show tunes.” — Andy Bernard
78- “You know, I thought this was an office, not the thunderdome.” — Clark Greene
79- “There are always a million reasons not to do something.” — Jan Levinson
80- “The only problem is whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it.” — Kevin Malone
81- “I am Beyonce, always.” — Michael Scott
82- “The worst thing about prison was the dementors.” — Michael Scot
83- “So this is my life — until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.” — Jim Halpert
84- “I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out.” — Kelly Kapoor
85- “Mini cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?” — Kevin Malone
96- “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” — Stanley Hudson
97- “I’m fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.” — Dwight Schrute
98- “I say dance, they say, ‘How high?’” — Michael Scott
99- “I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.” — Michael Scott
100- “I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.” — Michael Scott
101- “No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.” — Michael Scott
102- “I’m not saying I had a meteoric rise, but I did.” – Ryan Howard
103- “Oh, you’re paying way too much for worms. Who’s your worm guy?” — Creed Bratton
104- “My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.” — Jim Halpert
105- “I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl so I’m wise and I have worms.” — Michael Scott
106- “Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.” — Andy Bernard
107- “I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.” — Michael Scott
108- “Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.” — Jim Halpert
109- “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.” — Dwight Schrute
110- “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.” — Andy Bernard
111- “Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.” — Michael Scott
112- “You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.” — Dwight Schrute
113- “Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.” — Creed Bratton
114- “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” — Michael Scott
115- “I’ve got a golden-ticket idea. Why don’t you skip on up to the roof and jump off?” — Stanley Hudson
116- “I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day.” — Stanley Hudson
117- “Michael is leaving. And apparently, they’ve already hired a new manager. And we’re meeting him today. It’s a lot to process. Paperwork-wise.” — Oscar Martinez
118- “I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.” – Michael Scott
119- “This is a dream that I’ve had…since lunch…and I’m not giving it up now.” – Michael Scott
120- “My, philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.” – Michael Scott
121- “I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It’s how I came to briefly race a Formula One car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.” — Nellie Bertram
